I will, once again, apologize to all of you for my incessant lack of posting on this blog. I used to be a faithful blogger… I don’t know what happened. But here we are.
I met some new friends last week. It’s actually quite a story about how we came to meet one another, and the incidents that led up to the friendship can only have come from God, and I am confident that God needs me to meet these girls for some reason or other. I’m not sure what that reason is yet.
You may have noticed that I surround myself with female acquaintances, and they account for the vast majority of the friends I have. Well, the way I see it, you can talk to girls about things that you can’t necessarily talk to most boys about. Guys don’t talk to other guys about deep stuff, unless you’ve been friends since… birth. Maybe a little later. It’s just an unspoken rule in the teenage world, these days.
In any case, I do have a reason for writing this post.
Yesterday, I went to hang out with these friends again. Only two of them share my religion… at least, only two live it. The dialogues of most of the other friends are laced with extensive amounts of profanity and other vulgar language, which I’ve become nearly immune to, living in the high school world.
I don’t go into shock every time I hear someone curse, but after a while of hearing it constantly, it starts to irritate me quite a bit. I start feeling unclean, and I want nothing more than to just leave wherever it is I am, and this happened last night.
As much as I like who these girls are, I can feel an energy about them… an aura, almost. Everyone carries energy, be it negative, positive, or in between. This energy can be caused by anger, hate, sadness, happiness, joy, and every other emotion on God’s great Earth. I’ve had many people, many different times, tell me that I have an extremely positive energy about me, and I’ve only started to notice this after I turned my life over to God.
These girls, however, are atheist. They don’t enjoy the positive energy that I do, and instead, I’m constantly surrounded by the negative energy that I feel coming from them. Not necessarily because they don’t believe in God, but because they’ve had hard things happen to them, with no explanation, so they become bitter towards the world. I can’t say it doesn’t bother me; not because they don’t believe in what I do, but because I can’t explain to them why I have the opinions about things I do without broaching religious themes. Take, for example, the subject of gay marriage.
One of the girls, let’s call her Lily, absolutely ADORES debating anything and everything. She’s a liberal, she told me herself. As such, she views things quite differently from myself. She wanted to have a debate with me, so I let her begin. She began explaining to me why she was a liberal, after I told her that I don’t like liberals all too much. She asked why, and I explained.
I’ll leave my explanation out. It was a valid explanation, in my opinion.
We began the debate. She presented her argument, enforcing it with as much logic as she could muster, and once she finished, she looked to me for a rebuttal, which I did not present. I was simply silent, nodding and smiling.
Now, this was not because she’d changed my mind about the matter at hand. She’d let me see the side of why she was fighting for what she was fighting for, and she wanted my opinion.
Now, the thing is, I don’t give my opinion out to just anyone. I only give it out to people who share it, because when I get into arguments with people, our relationship becomes taut as a wire. I couldn’t bear to lose this girl after I’d only known her for a few days.
She encouraged me to share my opinion, and promised me that she wouldn’t let it upset her.
But isn’t that what I’ve had so many people promise me in the past? That they’d never leave just because I did not share their opinions?
And, tell me, where are these people now?
I remained silent as a stone, not sharing anything for a long period of time, until finally, I thought through my argument enough to share it in as gentle of a way as possible, and even then, it was not entirely truthful. There were no flat-out lies, but the argument, in it’s entirety, was not the whole truth of what I believed.
What can I say? I can’t bear to lose someone again.
These girls are very close friends of mine. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had such close friends of mine walk out, and because of that, I’ve become so afraid of losing people that it’s difficult for me to develop a close relationship with someone, because when I do, there is a constant fear of losing them. It’s almost too much to handle, sometimes.
I’m almost tempted to stop being such close friends with these girls, because I don’t want to lose them. That may sound like an absolutely preposterous argument, but think about it.
I don’t know if I could handle them walking out if I got too close to them.
Because everyone walks out, sooner or later. Except, maybe, my family. My friends have all walked out because I remained a pure soul when they got involved in sex, drugs, and alcohol. My best friend has moved to Nevada, which wasn’t his choice, but it was hard nonetheless. The few people I’ve talked out of suicide several times are all gone. God needed me to be there for them in their time of need, and once that time of need was over, they left. That knowledge provides me with some closure, but it only dulls the pain.
I can’t endure someone else leaving, and I am terrified of it. No matter how many times these girls promise me they never will, it means nothing to me, because I’ve had so many people promise me that they’d never leave, and within weeks, or even days, they were gone.
I don’t know if I can do this relationship anymore.
I apologize for the incessant ramble. I realize that this post went absolutely nowhere.